


A Mutual Bond

by PurplePirate83



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ash comforts Eiji, Ash copies Eiji’s gestures, Ash notices Eiji’s nightmares, Ash taking care of Eiji, Breaking down, Comfort, Confrontation, Cozy, Cuddling, Eiji hides his pain from Ash, Fear, Fever, Fluff, Hesitation, Hugging, Hurt/Comfort, Kind gestures, M/M, Nightmares, Reading, Tears, Trembling, Unconditional Trust, Worry, a mutual bond, clumsy gestures, collapse, confessions in the dark, feeling like a burden, feeling useless, happiness, lying on top of each other, sleeping, smiling, warmth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:08:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24612811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurplePirate83/pseuds/PurplePirate83
Summary: Ash disappears for more than a week and as more days pass Eiji grows more and more worried until he slowly breaks down.Can Ash comfort Eiji even if he has never learned how to do so? And will Ash be able to convince Eiji to share his fears with him instead of hiding them?They share a mutual bond, right...?
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 11
Kudos: 208
Collections: Banana Fish Reverse Big Bang





	A Mutual Bond

**Author's Note:**

> As a relatively new writer this was the very first time I’ve taken part in such a collaboration.
> 
> It was a really unique and great experience working together with an artist and sharing our ideas for the story.
> 
> I’m also grateful that I have gotten to know so many amazing and talented writers and artists.
> 
> I also thank Owenly very much for beta-reading my story.

_  
  
_

_See you later._

That’s what Ash always told Eiji before leaving. It was a promise to Eiji that he’d always return to him in the end. All Eiji could do was to trust in those words.

So Eiji usually waited for Ash to return in the evenings. Most evenings turned into nights. Nights into mornings. When Ash finally returned, he was often covered in blood, sometimes injured, always exhausted and not in the best mood. Yet, Eiji was relieved and finally relaxed, all the tension and worry fading away at once.

He had never really told Ash how scared he always was that he wouldn’t return one day. He constantly worried about him and wished he could also fight by his side as Shorter had done. He desperately wished to protect him, help him, save him.

Unfortunately, that was impossible for him. Wishful thinking.

Eiji didn’t belong in this world and wasn’t as strong, skilled and smart as Ash. And he’d never be. His shooting attempts had been a complete disaster, and he had neither the nerve nor the guts to shoot people. He had eventually accepted that. It had been hard to accept that he was powerless in regard to protecting or saving Ash. At least physically.

However, it had all become clear to him when Ash had broken down crying next to him after an especially terrifying nightmare. Of course, he had learned some time ago that Ash had suffered through so many horrible moments in his short life Eiji couldn’t even begin to imagine. Behind his mask of iron willpower and cold-blooded leadership, Eiji had found a hurting teenager who dreamed of a normal life far away from violence and warfare. Behind the stubborn refusal to accept his cruel fate and his oath to get his revenge on his abusers, Eiji had uncovered a fragile soul and a bleeding heart that regretted killing people as a means to survive and was devoured by guilt and self-loathing.

When he had seen the tears and the deeply rooted pain and sorrow in Ash’s green eyes, it felt as if he had stared into the dark abyss of Ash’s soul. It had stung like a knife boring directly into his heart. That’s when Eiji had sworn to himself to protect Ash and to stay by his side no matter what would happen.

He had discovered there was another way he could be useful and protect Ash in his way. By showing him that he was a good and kind person who deserved friendship, trust and compassion. Eiji could protect him by covering him with a pure blanket of warmth, comfort and happiness. He would pick up the pieces of his shattered soul and his broken self and would gently tend to his wounds until they slowly started to heal. And above all, Eiji wanted Ash to know that he wasn’t alone anymore and that he would do anything for him. And when all of this was over, he’d get him out of here and take him to Japan… to a peaceful world where he could start a new life.

Ash always scolded him for staying up until he returned, telling him he didn’t sleep enough. Since he was an early riser, he rarely slept more than a few hours at times like these. Still, Eiji couldn’t help it. He needed to know that Ash was safe before he was able to sleep soundly. He had never told Ash how often he had lain awake at night when he hadn’t returned. How terrified he had been that something had happened to him, that he had been seriously injured or had been killed.

He constantly worried because Ash often suffered alone, and Eiji was aware of the self-destructive and impulsive personality that only got him into more danger when provoked. Ash wouldn’t call for help if he was injured. Instead, he would think that he deserved it and would accept his fate. That was what Eiji was scared of the most. Ash didn’t realize how powerless Eiji felt while waiting for him, how often the clock’s sound of the seconds ticking by tortured him endlessly while waiting for Ash. Wondering why he didn’t return, what could have happened, and realizing there was nothing he could do than wait for him and show him he wasn’t alone. That he had someone to return to. Maybe it wasn’t home, although Eiji did everything in his power around here to make sure that it felt like it. He hoped he had at least created a safe haven or a warm place where Ash felt protected and could relax.

Bones and Kong had burst out laughing when Eiji had mentioned his worries to them, explaining to him that Ash was invincible, and no one could ever kill him. Ash’s gang saw a different side of Ash than Eiji did, though. For them, their boss was a symbol of respect, fear and absolute authority. His words were their law, and he was their king. They looked up to him and were terrified of him at the same time. But they never questioned his orders or his strength, power and street smarts.

Eiji was convinced that Ash was tough and extremely hard to kill. Still, he knew it wasn’t impossible.

He had witnessed Ash’s collapse after the fight against Arthur in Coney Island. That very moment had been an eye-opener for him because he had finally grasped the whole situation, the harsh reality. If Ash stayed here in this world, his death would only be a matter of time. He swore to get him out of here if the current situation was over. Or he’d lose him forever. The mere thought sent shivers down his spine…

Both of them had developed a routine between them that worked pretty well for a long time.

Eiji simulated an ordinary life for Ash, at least when they spent time together. He created a daily time frame where they did everyday things like watching TV, talking or having a few beers together. Like normal teenagers. Before he knew it, several months had passed, and Eiji had found a new home, a new family, a new life.

When Ash had nightmares or couldn’t sleep, Eiji usually distracted him by showing him pictures he had taken of NYC, of both of them or his gang. He told him about the phone calls to his sister and his parents, looked through pictures of Izumo and Japan with him and told him about his dream of walking through his hometown with him one day. Eiji loved his astonished face and Ash’s widening eyes when he only mentioned that. Ash always got such a soft and dreamy look as if trying to imagine that…

Everything had been fine between them. Ash had always returned to him. There were days when he didn’t come home for a few days. Eiji was used to that by now and wasn’t particularly worried. If he didn’t return for a few days, Eiji usually spent time with his gang and took care of them until Ash returned. Ash’s gang had become a family for him that he continuously grew closer to. So he took care of their meals, cleaned the apartment and went shopping, assuring that they ate more than just fast food and junk food all the time…

If he was entirely honest with himself, he hoped that he had turned their hideout into a home for everyone. Besides cooking and cleaning, he had added some little details here and there, so it didn’t look so cold anymore. He had decorated the place with lively colors and had installed some lamps that radiated warmth. That’s why no single light bulbs were hanging from the ceiling anymore. Maybe it wasn’t cozy, but at least it was a much more comfortable place by now. He couldn’t just sit around doing nothing all the time. That wasn’t like him. Besides, these simple tasks distracted him and kept him from going crazy. All of this made him feel useful, and he felt less like a freeloader…

When three days turned into seven days, even Alex, Bones and Kong grew nervous. They tried to hide it in front of him, but Eiji had lived with them long enough that they couldn’t fool him. He saw it in their changing behavior. Alex was colder and stricter than usual. As the second in command, he had to organize everything and take care of essential matters while Ash was away. Eiji noticed that the full responsibility weighed on him.

Staying away for an entire week was unusual, even for Ash. Eiji noticed how even his gang grew more and more worried with every passing day. Eiji saw the concern in their faces, in their movements, in their behavior. Even Kong and Bones were getting more quiet and serious. Which spoke legions because they were usually the ones that cheered everyone up, always a dumb joke on their lips or a crazy story to tell. They often couldn’t cope with a quiet and tense atmosphere and always tried to distract all the others by entertaining them.

Eiji tried to convince himself that Ash had a good reason to stay away this long. Ash had promised him he’d come back, and he trusted Ash and his decisions. So he convinced himself not to worry. Ash was Ash, after all. He was strong and smart and would return eventually. He probably had a good reason to stay away. Maybe he was being followed, and coming back would blow the location of their hideout… At least that’s what he had convinced himself of…

After one week had passed without any sign of Ash, Eiji often laid awake, thinking about Ash and what could have happened. Even if he was tired, his mind just wouldn’t shut down and kept him awake until early morning. His eyes showed signs of red around the edges, begging him for sleep that just wouldn’t come. If he finally drifted off to sleep, his sleep was superficial and restless. Every time he woke up, his eyes automatically wandered from the untouched and empty bed to the calendar and back to his phone lying on his nightstand.

_No new messages._

When one week turned to ten days, Eiji was incapable of convincing himself that everything was fine anymore. He just had a bad feeling. When Ash stayed away for so long, that could only mean that something had happened that Ash hadn’t anticipated. And if a meticulous planner like Ash hadn’t anticipated something, that led to danger, grave danger. Or worse…

At the beginning, Eiji kept himself busy by cleaning the apartment, tidying up and cooking for the gang, and taking care of them. Working around the apartment or helping others always calmed him down and made him relax. Only this time, it didn’t work at all. He wasn’t able to focus on the task at hand, mixing up ingredients while cooking and using sugar instead of salt. Ash’s gang just shared a glance but luckily didn’t comment on it. They probably saw that he was worried about Ash, and this was his coping mechanism.

They also tried to distract him by keeping him company, playing games with him, or watching movies together if they found the time. Eiji was grateful they cared so much about him and that he had found friends so easily. It made him feel less lonely and let him forget that he was far away from home and wouldn’t be able to see his family anytime soon. Still, Eiji was often absent-minded when the others talked to him, staring out of the window with a vacant expression in his eyes.

When more time passed without any sign of Ash, nightmares were slowly sneaking into his mind at night. He often woke up sobbing and trembling, pulling his blanket tighter around himself, feeling cold all over and shivering. Often tears ran down his face or droplets of sweat ran down his forehead, and he was quietly crying himself to sleep, careful that the other gang members wouldn’t hear it. It wasn’t hard because, unlike Ash’s dreams, which were violent and terrifying, he mostly just woke up from them, suffering in silence. That was also the reason why Ash hadn’t noticed them…

As time went by, he had those dreams more often than not. In most of them, Ash died in one way or another while he was running towards Ash, trying to reach him in time but always arriving a fraction of a second too late... Ash’s vacant and lifeless green eyes flashed through Eiji’s mind on repeat, like a broken video that played the same scenes over and over. His chest always tightened when he thought what possibly could have happened to Ash, that he could be dead already or seriously injured without Eiji even realizing it. Eiji knew perfectly well that he’d be the last person Ash would call in such a situation. If he even called anyone at all…

Eiji tried to hide his discomfort in front of the gang, making breakfast and coffee, as usual, taking care of cooking, shopping and cleaning because it helped him to keep following a daily routine. He needed to distract himself, or he’d go crazy. Lately, his mind was always somewhere else, failing to notice when people were talking to him. He also didn’t join in their conversation as he usually would.

Bones and Kong spent much time with him as his bodyguards, so they knew him very well, seeing through his strained and fake smile. They asked if he was okay, noticing that he had become really quiet within the last few days. When seeing his pale face, they carefully pointed out the fact he needed to eat something as well. Eiji actually snapped at them, telling them to mind their own business. He regretted it at once when both of them were staring at him with widened eyes, their jaws practically hitting the floor. He immediately apologized, telling them he was just tired or coming up with some other excuse to make them stop worrying. Still, it wasn’t like him to have such a short temper, and he felt terrible that he got angry at them for no reason…

During the next few days, Eiji put up a false front, assuring everyone he just hadn’t slept much the previous night and had a headache. He really had to eat something, but he just couldn’t do it. Since his nightmares had started and he lacked sleep, he had also lost his appetite, and his unsettling stomach rejected food most of the time anyway. Bones and Kong always tried to cheer him up, assuring him that Ash would come back anytime now and would be fine. Eiji knew they both meant well. Only at this point, it didn’t work anymore. Eiji couldn’t deny the truth any longer. So he just excused himself after breakfast and went to his room. He needed some space where he could be alone.

He got into bed again, shivering despite the warm temperature and the fact he was wearing a warm sweater. He couldn’t stop thinking about the last time he had talked with Ash.

Ash had told him at the time that he probably wouldn’t come home for a few days. When Eiji had asked for more details, Ash had refused to add more. He had only assured him that everything would be fine and not to worry about it, and then he had stubbornly changed the topic. Eiji had realized that Ash had been lying. Ash always got eerily calm, and he spoke more slowly when he was lying. He also looked directly into his eyes every time he did that. So Eiji had caught him in the act of lying easily, knowing all his tells. Even so, he hadn’t called him out, hadn’t confronted him, hadn’t convinced him to tell him the truth.

Ash usually lied because he wanted to protect him. From his world, the harsh truth or the recent events that involved influential people all the way up to the White House. He never really lied in the literal sense, he was just withholding information, not telling him some parts of his life, and keeping them hidden from him. Since this was Ash’s way of protecting him, of making him feel safe, Eiji usually didn’t push it.

Now, he wished he had done precisely that. When he thought about it, his hands became clammy and began trembling. Maybe if he had pressed him or had convinced him to volunteer at least some information about his whereabouts, he would have been able to do something. Anything…

Doing nothing but wait made him feel so powerless. Useless. As if nothing mattered anymore. He was feeling the same as back home right after his pole vaulting injury when his ankle had shattered: empty and numb. Like a shell that looked like him, but everything that defined him was hollow and dead. Like a robot that was programmed to do a set of different tasks or a device on autopilot. Without any emotions, a personality or a reason to live remaining behind.

Being with Ash and learning what he went through made it easy to forget his own injury, which wasn’t even worth mentioning compared to Ash’s yearlong history of abuse and rape. Ash had shown him what it meant to live, never to give up. He had been impressed by his iron willpower and his never-ending strength and belief in himself. He had gone through so many terrifying moments in his life. Still, he had never given in to his fate. He had never surrendered or stopped fighting, just accepting his fate. Ash had proven to him what it meant to live. To survive. Even if all the odds were against you…

_Ash, where are you? Please tell me you’re safe…_

What would he do if Ash didn’t return? If he ended up getting killed or set up and he’d never see him again? What if he was lying in a ditch somewhere by now, and it was already too late…?

Eiji noticed how he slowly got worse with each day. He hadn’t slept well in days. Instead, he had lain awake in bed, flinching and shooting up at only the slightest movement in the apartment in the hopes that it was Ash returning. He even wore one of Ash’s oversized hoodies because the smell was familiar, it comforted him and made him relax, if only for a little while. He curled up into a ball and breathed in Ash’s scent. It helped a little, calming him down, and he at least dozed off for a little while. But even this little amount was sleep was usually interrupted by nightmares.

Eiji was afraid that he’d slowly lose his mind. At night, if his nightmares didn’t interrupt his superficial sleep, he would wake up imagining he had heard Ash’s voice or heard one of his gang members greet Ash. One time he’d even thought Ash would stand in front of his bed. Only when his hand had reached for him, he’d noticed it had been an illusion.

_Hallucinations… I’m slowly losing my mind…_

The following day it only got worse. Eiji had gotten up much later than usual, his hair still unwashed and still wearing one of Ash’s oversized sweaters while the gang had helped themselves to coffee and toast without commenting on it, probably sympathizing with Eiji’s worry and fear at the moment.

When Eiji had poured himself some coffee, his hand trembled so much that the cup had glided out of his hand and crashed to the floor, splitting into a thousand pieces. When Bones wanted to help him and touched his shoulder, Eiji slapped his hand away and yelled at him not to touch him before he ran into his room and locked the door. He leaned on the wall next to the door, crouching down to the floor, his arms hugging his knees that he had pulled up to his chest. He pulled Ash’s oversized hoodie over his knees and hugged his knees so tightly, his arms trembled. Trying to make himself small.

 _What have I done? This isn’t like me at all._ _I’m the worst…_

He hated himself right now. It wasn’t like him to lash out at people and take out his anger and worry on Bones and other people. He just felt pure disgust when thinking about his recent actions. He had to apologize later for his rude and selfish behavior… He wished he could fade into the background of this room’s pitch-black darkness, and everyone would forget about him…

He still heard Alex tell the others to let him rest for a while. But at this point, he didn’t care anymore. He just wanted everyone to leave him alone. He felt ashamed for breaking down like that over such a small matter like Ash’s disappearance. He was utterly useless without Ash and a burden to everyone around him. Silently whimpering, he was sitting there in the dark, suffering all alone while his trembling, clammy hands clung to his knees. He couldn’t stop sobbing, clenching his tightened chest with one hand to stop the pain. He wasn’t breathing normally because the tears wouldn’t stop falling. At this point, he didn’t care anymore if anyone heard his sobs. He had no idea how long he had been sitting there. He’d dozed off after a while, but the voices growing louder next to his room had pulled him out of his drowsy state.

Then he woke up with a start, suddenly wide awake. One voice that quickly dominated all rang through the hallway. A commanding voice that stood out from all the others, silencing everyone at once. Like a bright yellow flash in his sea of eternal darkness.

_Ash…_

_No, it can’t be him. I’ve spent days hearing his voice over and over again, hearing him opening the front door, opening the door to this room. I’m hallucinating, as always…_

“Eiji? Eiji, open the damn door!”, Ash shouted, banging on the door with his fist. Then there was silence. It felt like an eternity to him before someone was taking a deep breath on the other side of the door as if to calm himself.

“Eiji, please open the door, ok? I’m sorry for worrying you. I’m back now.”

_It’s really him… Ash… I don’t imagine him this time, right?_

Even so, Eiji was still hesitating. Ash couldn’t see him, not like this. In his pathetic state. With puffy cheeks and red-tinged eyes. He was a sobbing mess. Eiji pulled his knees even closer, pulling the hood of Ash’s jacket over his head, trying to make himself invisible. Maybe Ash would go away if he didn’t react. He would probably abandon him if he saw him like that. Eiji had always been feeling pathetic and useless compared to someone as strong and smart as Ash. All that was left of him now was a scared and fragile boy, a crumbling soul, an aching heart. Ash would get rid of him for sure and put him on the next flight to Japan. He had better things to do than taking care of a weakling like him who only slowed him down all the time.

_I’m supposed to be the strong one here. I have to be strong. For you… I want to be your pillar of strength… Your shoulder to cry on. But look at me now… I’m just a burden… so pathetic and weak…_

”Eiji, please let me in… And why are you sitting in the dark like that…?”, Ash asked him, worry overwhelming his voice. ”Eiji, you… you scare me, ok? I… I need to know you’re fine…”, Ash added when he still got no answer. Eiji listened intently, how he choked on every word, his usually confident voice shaking, even cracking at the end…

The anxious sound was like a wake-up call to him. As many times as he had imagined Ash’s voice in these last days, his voice had never sounded like that. So worried, so pained, scared even… His trembling voice even pierced through his dazed and confused mind, shocking him, pulling him back to reality. Shattering his heart…

”You’ll recognize my voice, right?”, Ash asked him quietly, still pounding the door over and over.

But there was no force behind it, just a soft sound that told Eiji he was still there and wouldn’t give up so easily. A silent plea to be let in.

“Eiji, please. I know I deserve it. I’ll explain everything to you, I promise…” Ash’s tone drowned in an ocean of tears that he wouldn’t shed. The heartbreaking sound echoed through Eiji’s mind, tearing him apart from the inside.

And he realized one other thing with a start, the fog surrounding his mind slowly clearing up: Ash could have picked the lock. Could have broken down the door. Something like that was child’s play for him. Even so, Ash hadn’t done so.

_Why?_

Ash didn’t want to force him. He wanted it to be Eiji’s own choice. He’d wait in front of the door until Eiji opened the door himself. Giving him the time he needed to let him in, to forgive him… while he was suffering alone outside again, thinking he had deserved such treatment…

He slowly got up, leaning one hand on the wall for support, staggering badly, his shaking legs close to giving out at any moment now. Still, he tried moving to the door, stumbling towards it, refusing to give up. He peeked through the little gap in the door. Sure enough, in front of it stood an exhausted Ash, his body bent towards the door so that his forehead and his right hand were touching the door, pleading to be let in. In the meantime, he had become silent. His intense green eyes caught him peeking through the gap, softening at once when he saw him.

Eiji unlocked the door. With his trembling hands, it took several attempts to unlock it. He didn’t want Ash to see him like that, being such a mess and with a probably swollen and red face. However, he had to make sure that it was really Ash, and he wasn’t another figment of his imagination… And he had scared Ash with his selfish behavior. So, the least he could do was hear him out…”

When he had finally unlocked the door, Ash’s eyes tightened after entering the room, the color of his green eyes darkening as he scrutinized him from head to toe.

“Eiji, what the hell happened to you? You look terrible.”

Eiji couldn’t hide his smile. That was Ash, alright. The swearing, the bluntness and his harsh voice put him at ease instantly. No greeting, no small talk, just blurting out what came to his mind.

Yet, as Ash was standing in front of him so casually, anger welled up inside of him. He just stood there, hands in his hoodie’s pockets while watching him as if waiting for a reaction. As if nothing had happened and he hadn’t been missing for fourteen days. Without realizing how worried he had been, how scared, how terrified…

After a moment, Ash slowly walked towards Eiji, his hand reaching out to him. Eiji’s anger gave him new strength as he slapped his hand away and pushed him away with all his remaining power.

“Don’t act as if everything’s fine! You’ve scared me to death, you know? I was so afraid you were dead or injured.”, he exclaimed furiously, his eyes glowing golden-brown while he glared at him.

Ash was caught off guard, staring at him, for once at a loss for words. Then Eiji felt tears streaming down his face, tears he didn’t want Ash to see. Still, he couldn’t stop them from running down his face as he was standing there. He was so relieved that Ash was fine that he couldn’t stop all of these emotions he had bottled up and suppressed for days. He stumbled towards Ash, burying his face in his shoulder while hugging him as tightly as he could.

“I’m so glad you’re safe, Ash.”, he sobbed into his shoulder while clinging to him so tightly, his fingernails would probably leave marks behind on Ash’s skin. Eiji didn’t care. He didn’t have any intention to let go anytime soon. “I thought you’d never come back to me…”

Eiji felt Ash’s surprise in the way he was standing there, every muscle suddenly tensing up, his movements frozen up for a second when Eiji had hugged him out of nowhere. But then he was relaxing again as if remembering it was Eiji touching him. After a moment’s hesitation, Ash hugged him back. Feeling that, Eiji just began crying harder. The way Ash held him and stroked his back felt so gentle and warm that he was incapable of pushing back all the emotions he had bottled up for days any longer. All of his emotions just poured out of him like opened floodgates of a dam as he began to cry uncontrollably, clinging to Ash like a lifeline. Ash’s strong arms around him made him feel safe and protected.

For the first time, he didn’t care if Ash saw him breaking down. Ash’s arms around him assured him that he would always take care of him, even if he showed weakness and needed a shoulder to cry on. The fear, sadness, worry, powerlessness, relief and happiness were flowing out of him while he shed all the tears that he had refused to spill all this time. He could feel his whole body shaking. Ash didn’t say anything. Instead, he just stroked his back affectionately, rubbing soothing circles into it until his crying slowly turned into sobbing while whispering into his ear:

“I’ll always find my way back to you. You should know that by now, idiot.”

Eiji smiled sadly at Ash after slowly pulling out of the hug, wiping his tears away with his sleeve.

“Thank you, Ash.”

“It’s fine. Let’s get you back into bed, ok? You need to rest. Can you stand?”, Ash asked. His eyebrows drew together as he watched him closely.

Eiji stubbornly nodded, choking back his tears. While Ash hung his jacket on a chair nearby and placed his keys, his phone and his weapon on a table, Eiji walked back to his bed. Or more like, tried walking. As soon as he started moving, he noticed that he had completely underestimated the state he was in. The only reason he had remained standing was that Ash’s strong arms had held him upright. As soon as Ash had let go of him, even if it was just for a moment, his knees started buckling and suddenly gave out as the exhaustion of all those last sleepless nights finally caught up to him. Feeling how his knees couldn’t support him anymore, he tried to reach for Ash with his hand. However, his body wasn’t listening to him anymore, and he lost his balance, tumbling over. Dizziness suddenly overpowered him, and his vision got unfocused and blurry until it faded gradually into blackness…

_No, not now. I’ll scare Ash to death if I pass out… I can’t do that to him…_

Still, he was incapable of fighting against it. Everything just spun around him until he lost all sense of orientation. The last thing he noticed was footsteps running towards him and strong arms catching him before darkness swallowed him up completely.

The first thing he noticed after that was a voice. At first, it rang out like an echo coming from a good distance away. The sound was so low he barely noticed it at the beginning. He couldn’t figure out whom it belonged to. It sounded familiar, yet he couldn’t place it. The words were still too far away. It slowly grew louder with every passing second until he recognized the familiar voice, and the words made it through to him…

”…ji… Eiji! Can you hear me? Eiji, wake up! Please!”, a familiar voice pleaded, shaking his shoulders. Eiji heard that it was overpowered by a mixture of worry and fear, breaking at the end.

Eiji slowly opened his eyes but instantly closed them again, shielding his eyes with his arm from the blindingly bright light that hurt his eyes. After a moment, he tried opening them again. He was lying in bed, a blanket covering him. The light was coming from a small lamp sitting on the nightstand next to him.

”Ash...?”, Eiji blinked a few times to see more than a blurry silhouette. “You’re really here?”

”Yes, it’s me. I’m finally back. Everything’s fine.”, Ash assured him, trying to speak calmly, attempting to hide the tremor still lingering in the background of his voice. He couldn’t fool Eiji, though.

Eiji slowly looked up at Ash. In front of him, a blurry Ash slowly came into focus. Relief ran over Ash’s pale face when he saw in his eyes that Eiji had finally recognized him.

”Goddammit, Eiji, don’t scare me like that. When you passed out, I –“

“Ash, you’re really fine? You’re not hurt?”, Eiji interrupted him, shooting up and scrutinizing Ash. Then he groaned out in pain when his head split in two. At least that’s what it felt like to him. He desperately rubbed at his temples to ease the pain.

“Idiot, stay down!”, he scolded him harshly as he pushed him back into the cushions. He only saw now that Ash had some cuts and bruises on his face and arms.

“It’s just a few scratches.”, Ash assured him. “Don’t worry, Alex bandaged them.”, he said calmly when seeing Eiji’s worried face.

“Eiji, I’m sorry I’ve worried you so much. I didn’t have a choice. I’ll explain everything later. But now I’m here, ok?”

Eiji nodded in relief, his eyes brightening while he locked eyes with him. “You won’t leave again? Without telling me?”, he quietly asked him. “When I’m asleep?” Ash’s eyes widened in surprise. Then he touched his arm gently. Eiji saw that he trembled slightly.

“No, I promise I’ll stay. This time I’ll take care of you instead.”, he promised him. Warmth returned to his eyes, and a small smile appeared on his face.

“I’m fine”, Eiji stubbornly replied, trying to sit up to reassure Ash. “You have more important things to do than take care of me.” Ash just rolled his eyes at him and pushed him down again.

“Actually, I don’t. I’ve taken care of all the important stuff. Alex can handle the rest. So I’m all yours.” He paused for a moment and took a deep breath. “I’m worried, Eiji, ok?”

“But – “

“Fuck, Eiji, you’ve just collapsed. Be honest with me, when was the last time you have slept properly?”, he asked him in a soft tone, moving closer and removing some strands out of his face. “You look awfully pale, and your bloodshot eyes are practically begging for sleep. Your clothes are rumpled, and that’s not the first day you’re wearing them. And you obviously haven’t washed your hair. That isn’t like you, Eiji.” Ash’s eyes had narrowed, and the green color had darkened significantly while drowning in guilt. “This is all my fault…” Ash finally sat down beside him and buried his face in his hands.

“That’s not true… I just can’t sleep if I don’t know if you’re safe. I’m so sorry, Ash. That you have to see me like that. I only cause you more trouble. And in a situation like that…”

Eiji started sobbing again. He felt so pathetic and weak. He wasn’t used to be the one who needed comfort. He wanted to be strong for Ash and had stubbornly ignored the strain the constant worry about Ash had put on him. How much waiting for his return always weighed on him. Ash suddenly looked up again and just shook his head slowly, his eyes softening and reflecting pure warmth as he looked at him.

“Eiji, you don’t have to be sorry. I’ve scared you. But please don’t hide your pain and your fears from me anymore, ok?” Hesitating slightly, he wiped his tears away with his thumbs. “I know I’m bad at comfort and emotions… I’ve never learned things like that… But I still want to help you, too.”, he said, his eyes downcast at his lap. “Sometimes, you also need a shoulder to lean on. Don’t push me away.”

Eiji stared at him, his mouth dropping open. Then he smiled through his remaining tears. When he saw Ash’s soft gaze reflecting pure compassion and kindness, he realized that his behavior had been wrong. Stupid, even. He had always hidden his fears and worries from Ash. Yet, if their bond was mutual, as he had so often told Ash, he should share his fears and pain with him as well.

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust him or that he didn’t think he could comfort him. It was just Eiji’s way of protecting him. Ash led such a harsh life and faced so many difficult situations every day. He didn’t want to add his insignificant troubles to that list. He meant well, but it wasn’t fair towards Ash. He had probably hurt him unintentionally, and that was the last thing he’d ever wished to do. Ash’s eyes had darkened again, sadness and disappointment lingering behind.

Knowing Ash, he’d probably overthink things and came up with a completely wrong conclusion. Mainly the one that Eiji didn’t trust him because a bad person like him didn’t deserve that. Instead, Eiji should show Ash that he did trust him by confiding in him. By sharing his worries with him.

“I’m sorry, Ash. I just wanted to protect you. Even if the way I’ve been doing it was wrong. I didn’t want to hurt you. So I promise I won’t hide anything from you any longer.” Ash simply nodded, there was still a trace of sadness lingering behind. His eyes were smiling, though, brightening into a jade green at Eiji’s words. He carefully removed some strands of his brown hair and touched his forehead.

“I’ll get you something to drink. And some medication. You’re burning up.”

When Ash wanted to get up, Eiji gripped his wrist. “No, don’t leave.” Ash’s eyes widened in surprise, and then they softened as he smiled at him.

“Don’t worry, Eiji. I’ll come back. I promise. I’ll always come back to you in the end.”, he said, stroking his hand gently. Then he walked to the kitchen and came back with a glass of water and two pills, handing both to him after helping him to sit up a bit.

“Sleep a bit.”, he said after Eiji had taken the pills with the glass of water. “You look completely exhausted.” He put the glass on the nightstand and helped him lie down again, then covered him with the blanket.

Eiji just nodded and closed his eyes. He felt as if a truck had run him over, he hurt everywhere and could barely keep his eyes open. It didn’t help that his headache had gotten worse, it now felt as if a giant hammer was hitting against his skull on repeat.

“I’ll be here when you wake up.”, Ash assured him softly, shoving his hair back before wiping his sweaty forehead and placing a wet cloth on his forehead. That felt so good on his burning skin that he wished it would stay there forever. Eiji immediately relaxed and slowly drifted off to sleep.

Ash stroked the back of his hand, rubbing small circles into it with his thumb as Eiji had done so many times to calm him down. He could feel how Ash stroked his cheek gently, telling him he wasn’t alone. That he’d be safe. Ash’s touch always put him at ease. It was gentle, and a warm feeling spread through him

Even with closed eyes, he would recognize Ash’s touch instantly. Ash had never learned how to use warm, comforting and kind gestures. Soft touches that Eiji had grown up with and had always taken for granted all of his life.

Since Ash simply didn’t know any caring gestures, he just copied the ones that Eiji usually used on him. Like ruffling his hair, wiping his tears away with his thumbs, planting a soft kiss on his forehead.

But his touch was still hesitant and clumsy because touching someone gently was still unfamiliar to him. More than that, it was utterly new to him. He was often unsure which gesture to use, wondering if touching Eiji this way was even allowed, still afraid to scare him. There were moments when he still pulled his hand back, or his movements stopped mid-air, too scared of hurting Eiji.

Ash still believed his hands could only kill or hurt people. In these last few months, Eiji had tried to teach him that his hands could also help, comfort and heal people.

At first, Ash didn’t believe him. But eventually, he saw the truth confirmed in Eiji’s warm and honest eyes. He noticed that Eiji really wasn’t afraid of him, especially when Eiji leaned into his touch, relaxing instantly and even closing his eyes. So Ash slowly tried to copy Eiji’s gestures and learned how to use them on him. Even so, they were still hesitant and awkward.

Eiji was so grateful that Ash even tried to use them at all. He had only associated touch with violence and pain all his life. That’s why Ash’s gestures and touches felt so special to him. Even more so, Eiji absolutely lived for them. His touch moved Eiji to tears and made him smile at the same time.

During the night, Eiji woke up shaking and sobbing again from one of his nightmares. He looked over at Ash’s bed and saw that he was sleeping peacefully for once. The thought of waking him up occurred to him for a second. He’d promised him, after all. Turning from one side to the other, Eiji was torn between his promise to Ash and the feeling that his problems were too insignificant and small to bother him. He pulled the blanket back over himself again as he always did, when he suddenly noticed someone standing in front of his bed. Before he had time to be startled, the light on his nightstand was switched on.

Ash was standing in front of his bed with crossed arms, glaring at him furiously, his green eyes shooting daggers at him. Eiji wondered what he had done to drive him so mad.

“Move over.”, he practically ordered. “You promised me not to hide your pain anymore.”

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t bring myself to wake you when you slept so soundly for once. I just couldn’t do that to you.”, Eiji tried to explain, wiping his tears away with his sleeve.

Ash sat down at his bedside and looked directly into his eyes. “Eiji, sometimes you’re such a kind person; it drives me mad, you know that?” He sighed, taking a deep breath to calm himself.

“You’re always there for me when I’m suffering. So I want to take care of you, too. I worry about you. This isn’t the first time you’ve hidden your nightmares from me.”, Ash said quietly, sitting there with slumped shoulders. Some blonde strands had fallen over his face, hiding his expression from him. 

Eiji stared at him, speechless for once. So, Ash had noticed them. His nightmares were always quiet, so he had always assumed he’d hidden them well. He should have known better.

“I’m sorry, Ash. I just didn’t want to bother you with such a small matter. I don’t want to cause you trouble. And besides, you shouldn’t stay so close to me.”

When Ash heard what Eiji had just said, Ash abruptly turned away from him, his gaze downcast to the floor.

“I know I’m seriously bad at showing emotions and using gestures. So I’m probably not of much help to you. But when you slept next to me after a nightmare, it helped me every time to fall asleep again. I just wanted to do the same for you. He paused for a moment, running a hand through his hair.

“But it was probably a bad idea. How could someone like me offer comfort to you?”, he added in such a devastatingly sad voice, Eiji heard his heart shatter. Ash abruptly got up and tried to leave. Before he could do so, Eiji grabbed his hand.

“Ash, don’t go. That was a sweet idea. And that’s not the reason I told you you shouldn’t

stay so close to me.”

Ash turned around to him, a blank look on his face. “You’ve lost me.”

That put a smile on Eiji’s face. “I just said you shouldn’t stay so close to me because I have a fever, and I don’t want you to get sick as well.”, he explained patiently, looking directly into his eyes.

“Oh, that’s what you meant.”, he said in a low voice, sitting back down. Then he checked Eiji’s forehead for a fever. “Your fever has gone down. So, move over.”

Eiji smiled, moving over, and Ash slid under the covers next to him. Then he did something Eiji had never expected. He awkwardly put an arm around him and pulled him closer. Eiji relaxed and snuggled closer to him, putting his arms around him while his head landed on Ash’s chest. Surprise flashed in his green eyes, then he pulled the blanket over them again and switched off the light. But the small smile on Ash’s lips before he switched off the light hadn’t escaped Eiji.

“Eiji?”, Ash asked into the darkness, checking if he was still awake. “What did you dream about?”

Stubbornly, Eiji was about to answer that it was nothing. But then he remembered his promise, and he sighed dramatically.

“You know, I’ve had enough panic attacks and nightmares to last a lifetime. So I know what you’re going through. Please tell me, ok?” When Eiji still hesitated, Ash turned his face away from him.

“I thought when you told me that our bond was mutual, that you’ve really meant that.” Ash swallowed hard, and his voice turned quieter with every word until the end was barely a whisper. His arm around him loosened as if he tried distancing himself from him. Feeling that, Eiji clung to him more tightly.

“I did!”, Eiji insisted stubbornly, lifting his head a bit, so he was closer to his face. Even if it was dark, he needed Ash to know that he had meant that. Then he buried his face in the blanket.

“But I hadn’t realized how hard it is to talk about it.”, Eiji admitted reluctantly and started sobbing again, muffled by the blanket. Ash stroked the back of his head gently until he had calmed down.

“That’s something I can relate to. You don’t have to. I just thought it would help you. It always helped me to talk with you. Even if I didn’t tell you every little detail.”, he explained his reasoning.

Eiji hesitated, and the silence felt as if it dragged on forever. Yet, he realized that this was the perfect chance to explain everything to Ash – how hard it was to wait for him all the time. How much he worried. How powerless and useless he felt. And that this worry and fear had sneaked into his dreams as well. Even if he broke down crying, he wanted Ash to know. Even if he felt pathetic and weak, Ash’s arm around him affirmed that he would never look down on him. And it would prove to Ash that he trusted him.

“They’re about you … dying…”, Eiji admitted reluctantly, his voice barely a whisper. He was relieved he couldn’t see Ash’s face. It was easier to acknowledge that in the darkness. “You were shot. I was running … to reach you… But it was … too late…” He choked on the last words, and his voice failed him as he couldn’t stop the tears any longer. The memory flashed like a movie right before his eyes. He’d never forget Ash’s empty and lifeless eyes and felt his whole body trembling at the mere image that would be forever engraved in his mind. He could feel Ash stroking his back gently to comfort him. That little gesture meant the world to Eiji as he sobbed silently onto his chest while pulling Ash even closer.

“Eiji… I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had nightmares about … me. That’s because I’ve dragged you into my world. Maybe you and I … we should…”

“Don’t you dare, Ash!”, Eiji interrupted him angrily, gripping his shoulders. “This isn’t your fault, and I will never leave your side. I promised you forever.” He paused for a moment before continuing in a calmer voice, letting go of his shoulders again. “I have those nightmares because I’m worried about you.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why? I have those nightmares because I’m scared every single day that you won’t come back to me. That you’ve been killed or seriously injured, and there’s nothing I can do about it. That’s my greatest fear. I’d do anything for you, Ash. And I don’t want to lose you.” Tears were streaming down his face again, and his whole body was shaking. But at the same time, he was relieved that he had revealed the truth to Ash. Ash had probably never realized that someone even cared so much about him. “I’m sorry that I’m so weak. I should be strong. For you.”

Eiji’s assumption had been correct. Eiji could practically hear his mouth dropping open. Ash’s arm around him had tensed up before relaxing again. Ash ran his hand gently through Eiji’s hair before sighing loudly.

“Eiji, goddammit, you’re not weak or a burden. Stop thinking that, you dumbass! You have a bright and warm soul that fills me up and gives me strength and hope. When I’m with you, your warmth spreads through me and heals all my wounds. Your pure heart fills in all the broken pieces and makes me feel complete.”, he admitted quietly. “Thank you for being here. For staying.”

Eiji was stunned. Ash had never been so open before. Especially about his feelings. Eiji had always seen the gratitude in his eyes, yet, Ash had never put them into words. Maybe because it was easier for him to say it in the dark. Eiji secretly hoped that he was so open because Ash was happy that he had finally shared his fears and worries with him. And therefore placed his trust in him as well.

“You’re scared of my world because it’s dangerous and cruel. Even so, you’re still here. That alone makes you brave and strong. I admire that in you. In a way, you’re stronger than me.”

“It’s because I trust you, Ash. I know you’ll always keep me safe. Protect me. Even if I’m constantly surrounded by violence, I’ve always felt safe by your side.”, Eiji admitted quietly.

“ Thank you for telling me all of that, Eiji. For trusting me. Please lean on me as well, ok? Tell me about your fears. I’ll always take care of you and protect you.”, he promised, bending down and plastering a soft kiss on his forehead.

“Thank you, Ash. I’m feeling better now. I’m glad I’ve told you everything.”, Eiji said, a mixture of relief and happiness resonating in his voice.

“I’m sorry, Eiji, I’ve had no clue how hard it is for you to wait until I return. How worried you always are. You should have told me that sooner.”, he scolded him softly. “What can I do to help you?”, he asked while stroking his back.

“Couldn’t you leave me a message or a note if you don’t return home? That I know you’re alive, at least?”

“Sure, I can do that. You’re always worth it. Now sleep a bit, ok?”

“What about the current situation?”, Eiji asked quietly.

“I’ve instructed my gang while you were sleeping. Alex can do one or two days without me while I take care of my Japanese sidekick.”, he chuckled. Eiji grumbled something and smiled into the darkness before drifting off to sleep.

When he woke up the next time, he felt much better. He still was sprawled across Ash, who was stroking his hair absentmindedly with one hand while reading a book with the other. There was a stack of books lying on the nightstand, and a tablet was lying next to it. When Eiji moved and was rubbing his eyes, he finally looked up from his book, a smile emerging on his face.

“Sleeping beauty is finally awake. Good morning. Or rather a good afternoon.”

“How long have I slept?”, Eiji mumbled drowsily.

“14 hours or so. It’s noon already. A real sleepyhead. That has to be the first time you’ve slept longer than me.” Ash had an amused look on his face while teasing him.

“Why haven’t you woken me up? I have to start cooking – “, Eiji started to say, trying to sit up. But as soon as he had done that, everything spun around him as dizziness overcame him again.

Ash’s green eyes bored into him, burning as if on fire while he firmly pushed him back down. But there was a spark of happiness in his eyes that he was incapable of hiding.

“The only thing you’ll do today is to take your medication, eat something and rest. Goddamn idiot…”, he scolded him, shaking his head in disbelief. “You’re burning up again.”, Ash said calmly after checking his forehead. “Please let me take care of you for once. You’re always taking care of everyone around you. But what about yourself? Between waiting up for me until early morning and still getting up to prepare coffee and breakfast for everyone, you rarely sleep, Eiji.”

“That’s not – I – I just feel so useless if I don’t do anything. Taking care of everyone and the apartment is the only thing I can do…”, Eiji replied weakly. I just feel as if I slow everyone down…, like a freeloader…” Eiji’s eyes were avoiding Ash’s, staring down at his hands.

Ash sat down by his bedside, touching his shoulder gently. “Eiji, you’re a big help, you know. Especially for me. I can relax and be myself when you’re with me. Your mere presence soothes me. I only get through each day because I know I can return to you in the end.”, Ash admitted honestly.

“You also comfort all the people around you. That’s your superpower. Everyone here is much calmer and more cheerful when you’re here, Eiji. With you here, even a hideout feels like a home.”

Eiji smiled at that and finally relaxed.

“Sorry, this time, you’ll have to suffer through my cooking. It’s not as good as yours, but you’ll probably survive it.” He left the room, and Eiji heard him rummaging through cupboards and shelves in the kitchen. Eiji was so exhausted he had nearly dozed off again when a delicious smell reached his nose.

“Eiji, don’t sleep yet. Eat something first, ok?” Ash watched him carefully. “You still look awfully pale. Can you sit up a bit?”, he asked him, then helped him up to a sitting position.

After that, he placed a bowl of chicken soup in his hands along with a spoon.

“Eat this, ok? You’ll feel better.”

Eiji looked at it suspiciously, knowing Ash’s cooking skills, then carefully tried the soup.

His brown eyes lit up. “Wow, that’s delicious! Have you made this?”, he beamed at him while color returned to his face at once.

“Yes, I did. And don’t look so surprised!”, he pouted, avoiding his gaze while sitting down at his bed again. Then his eyes turned soft as a dreamy look dawned on his face, relaxing his features.

“Griff and I used to cook together. Ok, he cooked for us because I was too small. But I’ve always loved watching him, sitting on the counter while he was preparing all the ingredients. He always got that happy and peaceful expression when he was cooking, humming to himself or smiling at me… I loved watching him cook.” Then he looked directly at Eiji.

“You look just the same when you’re cooking. As if cooking and taking care of others brings you joy. You remind me of him. He was a lot like you, always taking care of others and never thinking about himself.” After a moment of silence, he added in a low voice:

“I’ve never told anyone something so personal before. About my childhood…”

“Thanks, Ash. Your brother was an amazing person. He raised you, although he was pretty young himself. You must miss him.”

Eiji could see in the way his eyes tightened that he stubbornly wanted to deny that. But then his eyes softened again as he looked at Eiji. “Yeah, I do. He was the only person who truly cared about me and was always there when I needed him. Besides you, I mean.”, he replied honestly. Eiji smiled at him.

Ash took the empty bowl out of his hands and went to the kitchen. Eiji heard him open and close cupboards. After some minutes, he came back.

“Drink this and then rest again. And don’t forget your medication.”, he added, handing him two pills. “You’re burning up again, Eiji.”, he said while worry darkened his green eyes.

After Eiji had swallowed them with the glass of water, he helped him lie down again. By now, Eiji was utterly exhausted. Ash wiped his sweaty forehead before placing another wet cloth on his forehead.

“Thanks for looking out for me.”, Eiji said weakly, smiling at him. Ash sat down at his bedside again.

“I’m not much help. I’m sorry, Eiji. People tell me I’m a genius, yet, here I am. I can’t even take care of you. I always wanted to be there for you, too.”, he admitted honestly, looking directly at him.

Then he lowered his head, hiding his eyes behind some blonde strands that had fallen over his face.

“I feel so useless. It always looks so easy when you do it. You always find the right words to say, and your gentle touch makes me relax and feel safe. I wish I could do the same for you…”, he said, his voice breaking at the end. A silent tear was running down his face.

“Ash, the way you did take care of me was perfectly fine. It was gentle, kind, and comforting. You even noticed that I had nightmares and offered to sleep next to me.”

“But –“

“Ash, for me it’s enough that you’re here.”, Eiji explained to him. “And even if you don’t find the right words, I can see the worry and compassion in your eyes.

A small frown appeared on his forehead, the one he always got when he wanted to believe Eiji, but there were still doubts lingering in the back of his overthinking mind. An idea popped into Eiji’s mind, one that would make Ash feel useful and help him sleep better.

“Ash, lie down next to me, ok? Please?

Ash moved a bit and lay down on the bed next to Eiji, looking at him questioningly. Eiji pointed to the stack of books lying on his nightstand.

“Which one of these books is your favorite?”, he asked him curiously.

Ash picked one book up, showing it to him. “Island in the stream. Why?”

“Read it to me.”, Eiji suggested.

“Why? You don’t even like books. Or Hemingway.”

When Eiji looked into his eyes, he realized with a start that Ash had not the slightest idea where he was going with this. If he spent time with Ash like this, he sometimes forgot that Ash had never experienced what it felt like to have a family who cared about you. Ash’s eyes had darkened and tightened into slits because he realized he missed something important here.

“It’s so cute when you’re clueless. Makes me look smarter for once.”, Eiji grinned at him.

“I like your voice. Hearing your voice makes me relax. And I know you’re still here even if I close my eyes and drift off to sleep. Parents often do that for their kids because they fall asleep faster.”, Eiji explained patiently.

Ash just stared at him with a blank look on his face before his eyes suddenly widened. He looked down at the book in his hand as if he had never seen one before. Eiji watched him closely, wondering if he had done something wrong or had brought up a bad memory. A bit concerned, he decided to ask him, touching his arm gently. Finally, Ash looked up at him, smiling softly while happiness lit up his green eyes.

“Thank you, Eiji. You made me remember something good just now. A happy memory.”

“Really? If that’s the case, I’m glad. I was worried because you were spacing out for a moment.”

“I remembered that Griff always read books to me as well when I was small. In our garden. We often did picnics there.”

“That’s great, Ash.”, Eiji said, yawning. “That you remembered some precious moments with your brother. You should always cherish them. It’s what your brother deserves.” Ash nodded absentmindedly. Then he moved over to his side to get a closer look at Eiji.

“Go to sleep. I’ll read something to you. But only if you close your eyes.” He picked up his glasses from the nightstand and then opened the book.

Eiji closed his eyes. He loved hearing Ash’s calm and soothing voice. His tone of voice sounded completely different when Ash talked or read to him than when he spoke to his gang. Ash’s voice was warm and soft towards him. When Ash read his favorite book to him, it sounded outright happy, and Eiji could practically see the half-smile playing on his lips and his features smoothing down to a peaceful expression.

Ash had no idea how much his voice helped him drifting off to sleep. It covered him like a blanket and was music to his ears, like a lullaby singing him to sleep. This was the moment where he finally realized that he wasn’t alone. That Ash would never abandon him, even if he broke down crying or showed signs of weakness. Ash wasn’t sure how to handle situations like these. Even so, he still tried his best. Seeing how hard he was trying for his sake in a situation that he didn’t know how to handle, plastered a smile across his face as sleep slowly embraced him.

When he woke up the next time, it was still the middle of the night. Eiji could still make out the lights of the New York skyline through the blinds covering the window. He wanted to move slightly when he suddenly heard a soft complaint next to him. He nearly jumped. After a moment, he noticed with a start that someone was lying on top of him.

Ash’s head was resting on his chest as he was sleeping soundly with a peaceful expression on his features, a half-smile visible on his face. Some blonde strands were covering his eyes, and there were some dried tears still visible on his face. Ash’s right arm was draped over him, grabbing his upper arm as if protecting him. Eiji couldn’t help but smile, ruffling his hair affectionately. Ash’s only answer was a soft mumbling sound as he moved a bit, snuggling even closer to him, his legs intertwining with his. Eiji pulled the blanket over him as well and decided to sleep again.

He couldn’t move anyway since there was a blonde gang leader draped halfway across him. Eiji could never bring himself to wake Ash up when he slept so soundly for once. His whole posture was open and emitted absolute trust.

Still, apart from the previous night when Eiji had nightmares, Ash had never come to him. Eiji usually came to Ash, especially when he had suffered from a terrifying nightmare, hugging him or just sleeping next to him. Ash had been scared if he had decided to one to him and sleep next to him. Eiji wondered what the reason had been, especially since he had been crying.

When he woke up the next time, the sun was already high up in the sky. Ash was moving a bit before he opened his eyes as well, looking up in a daze while his eyes were still clouded with sleep. It was cute.

“Eiji, how exactly did I end up sleeping on your chest?”, Ash mumbled drowsily, looking around in confusion.

“You tell me. I think you came to me when you went to bed. I don’t know why you did that. But whatever it was, it made you cry. There are dried tears on your cheeks.”, he explained, touching his cheek gently.

“Oh, right. Now I remember. You were burning up again. I was worried that your fever would get worse and that I wouldn’t notice it from the other side of the room. So I decided to sleep next to you. But I don’t know how I ended up on your chest.”, Ash’s cheeks flushed in embarrassment before he looked away from him.

“Thank you for watching over me, Ash. I’m sorry I’ve scared you.” Ash patted his head gently.

“Your fever was pretty high. I was worried that you’d be in danger. Still, I probably shouldn’t have done that. I probably kept you from sleeping…”

“Ash, I’ve slept perfectly well. And you have as well apparently. I’ve never seen you sleep so soundly.”, he replied softly while removing some blonde strands out of his face.

Ash turned to look at him, a smile crossing his face. “I feel safe with you. You know all my flaws and weaknesses, my trauma and my dark past, and you still stay by my side. And you’re the only one who isn’t scared of me and even gets angry with me.” Ash looked up at him, his green eyes reflecting pure honesty while looking directly into his. Eiji smiled softly.

“You deserve it after all you’ve gone through. Someone has to look after you and tell you what a kind, smart and amazing person you are. Until you believe it yourself.”, he grinned.

Ash smiled softly as he looked at Eiji. “Thanks. You really mean that. I can see it in your way too open face.” Ash grinned mischievously at him. Eiji responded by hitting him with a pillow while trying to feign annoyance. He failed miserably at both.

“You look much better now.” Ash touched his forehead. “Your fever’s finally gone. Don’t worry me like that.”, he said, shoving the pillow back into his face.

“You should eat something. What about lunch? On the balcony? You need fresh air.”

“Yes, that’s a great idea. I’ll go – “, Eiji begins, trying to get up. When he stumbled a bit, Ash just rolled his eyes at him and placed his arm around his shoulders.

“Sorry, I’ll rephrase that. I meant what about I make us lunch while you rest on the balcony, enjoy the sun and wait until I serve you lunch.”, he elaborated further, an amused glint in his eyes. Eiji wanted to complain, to refuse, to assure him he was fine. The stubborn reply was already on the tip of his tongue. Yet, when he looked up at Ash, a soft smile was plastered across his face, and his green eyes sparkled brightly. Eiji just couldn’t do it. He decided that if Ash wanted to take care of him, he’d let Ash spoil him just a little.

He loved it when Ash looked so carefree and acted like a typical teenager. When he pouted and blushed, smirked and smiled, laughed and grinned. His eyes always lit up to an emerald green when he genuinely smiled. He wanted to see that side of him more often and wanted to cherish every moment of it. So he swallowed his complaints down and let Ash guide him to the balcony. Ash put a blanket around him. Eiji noticed only then that he’d started shivering slightly. Ash handed him a cup of tea.

“No coffee, huh?”, Eiji asked, looking down at the cup with the disappointed look of a caffeine addict.

“Not when you haven’t eaten anything in the last few days.”, Ash said sternly. “If you finish your lunch, you’ll get coffee.”, he promised. Eiji sighed. “Fine. You’re probably right.”

Fifteen minutes later, Ash came back with two plates of spaghetti. They ate their meals in comfortable silence, enjoying the sun warming their faces. Eiji felt much better in the fresh air and especially after eating something.

After finishing their lunch, Ash moved a bit closer and studied his face. “You look much better now, Eiji.” Relief crossed his face. “You’re not as pale anymore.”

“It’s because a rude, blonde gang leader took excellent care of me.” Eiji returned his look, winking at him. “Thank you, Ash.”

“I didn’t do anything.” Ash’s cheeks flushed in embarrassment, looking away from him.

“Ash, that’s not true. You’ve helped me a lot. I just wished we could spend more time like that together. Having lunch, waking up together, and bickering and teasing each other.”

“Yeah, I’d like that. Unfortunately, in my world, that’s rarely possible. But I’ve really enjoyed spending more time with you.”, Ash admitted, pure honesty reflected in his soft gaze.

“I’m not a burden? Is it really ok if I stay?”

“Eiji, you’re the only good thing in my life. My safe haven. I only get through every day because I know that at the end of the day, I can return to you. Return home. That even if the world ends, you’ll be waiting for me.” Ash looked away in embarrassment.

Eiji beamed at him. “I’ll always be here and protect you.”

“I can protect mys – “, Ash interrupted him, stubbornly, crossing his arms.

“I don’t want to protect the gang leader Ash Lynx.”, Eiji explained patiently.

“I want to protect the soft boy who was sleeping on top of me. The boy who was reading to me and cooked something for me. Who listened to my fears and worries and held me while I broke down crying. I’ll always protect the little boy Aslan Jade Callenreese, his pure but shattered soul and his bleeding heart.” Eiji smiled warmly at him.

Ash returned the smile but it quickly faded away. “I just wished I could have done the same for you. Protect you from your fears and nightmares, I mean. You always know what to say or do. It looks so easy. But it wasn’t for me. I felt so useless…” Ash lowered his eyes but Eiji had still seen the sadness in them. He reached out and placed his hand over his.

“Ash, you were here for me when I needed you. That’s enough. And I loved sleeping on your chest and how you held me in your arms. It felt cozy and warm. Like home. Words aren’t necessary because I can see all the emotions in your eyes.”

“But – “

“And you taught me something important while staying by my side.”, Eiji interrupted him softly.

“I did?” Pure surprise lit up his eyes. “What exactly?”

“I always told you our bond was mutual and I’ve meant that. But I’ve still hidden my nightmares and pain from you.”, Eiji explained to him, looking right at Ash, his eyes dimming a little. “That was wrong. I’ve hurt you by doing that. I’m sorry.”

“Eiji, that’s – “

“I won’t hide anything from you anymore, I promise. We do share a mutual bond, Ash. What we have is special. So whatever happens from now on, we’ll face everything together. Always. You’re not alone anymore.”

Ash didn’t reply. Not with words, at least. However, his face lit up with that soft and genuine smile that Eiji so loved, the one that even reached his green eyes and made them shine like emeralds.

Eiji would always protect this pure smile. One day he would show Ash the peaceful world he had always dreamed of. Then he’d see this soft and happy side of him every day.

Forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading❤️
> 
> It’s the longest one shot I’ve ever written. I loved the beautiful artwork of @thislivdraws.
> 
> Find her on Twitter if you like:  
> https://twitter.com/thislivdraws
> 
> Please check out the other artworks and stories for the Banana Fish RBB as well!


End file.
